FORT WORTH, Texas – It’s not unusual for NASCAR drivers to act in press conferences as if they were trained monkeys, but Texas Motor Speedway don Eddie “the Ego” Gossage took the simile to its literal limit on Friday.
To make this Mafia imagery work better, I wish I could write Edward “Eddie the Ego” Gossage, but apparently no one on the Internet, Earth or the TMS payroll knows what Gossage’s first name is. Maybe it’s actually “Eddie.” I’m sure, though, that if I assumed “Edward,” it would be “Edwin.” Or maybe he’s Theophilus “Eddie” Gossage. Or Ozymandias “Eddie” Gossage. Either would work.
Gossage, ever the showman, ushered his real, honest-to-gosh monkeys into the press room at a time that had been reserved for nominal Sprint Cup championship contenders Denny Hamlin and Kevin Harvick. Don Eddie – admittedly, “Don Vito” or “Don Carlo” would work much better; Don Eddie Gossage sounds like a Texas Aggie punter -- is more commonly referred to as the track’s president and general manager.
Come on. Hamlin is a whole 14 points out of first place. How could anyone complain about a 30-minute press conference with monkeys?
The monkeys are selling programs here in yet another blockbuster event leading up to the AAA Texas 500.
Hamlin and Harvick took their respective acts to their haulers in the garage, where a feeding frenzy ensued. The monkeys were reportedly somewhat lonesome. This was supposed to be a quality gig, much better than smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Miki and Rocky are selling programs, Gossage said, because Speedway Motorsports CEO Bruton Smith allegedly told Gossage that “even a trained monkey could sell programs.”
Yuk. Yuk.
Maybe Smith is just trying to bust up the program sellers’ union. Nah. Couldn’t be. Nothing in NASCAR is unionized, which is one of many reasons there is no track on Staten Island.
Even though other reporters streamed into the garage, Gossage got to go on ESPN, where the interviewer made reference to Jocko Flocko, the chimp who spent several reportedly harrowing races in Tim Flock’s car back in the 1950s.
Except, of course, she referred to the reference chimp – that’s a new term, “reference chimp” – as “Jacko Flacko.” This, of course, just contributed to the general atmosphere of conviviality.
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